for the longest time, i was craving commitment. all i wanted was a committed relationship. but now every time someone gets close enough for me to have any form of feelings towards, i run for the hills. i don’t understand. i post things on here all the time about wanting to find that person, and how i am ready for this ‘commitment’ when in reality, i can tell that i am scared as hell.
instead of just seeing how things go, at the first sign of them becoming clingy, in any way, shape, or form, i instantly ‘don’t like them anymore.’ this is exactly what i never understood. how a girl could just push any form of a relationship, even a friendship, out of her life, and here i am, doing it to myself.
this self destructive behavior needs to end. it’s like the possibility of falling for someone, and letting them in, that is so hard for me now. which, once again, i don’t understand. i have never been like that, and even to this day, the first day i meet you, you will know my whole life story.
but my life story is rehearsed, i have said it so many times, i could practically say it backwards by now. i know exactly what a majority of you will say, what you will ask, and how you will act when brought up in another conversation. while on the other hand, i am not. my thoughts are not rehearsed. my conversations, can last as long as five days, and as short as a mutter of a few words.
letting someone know me, and really know me, scares me. yeah, knowing my story, that’s easy. but telling you how i feel on a day to day basis, that’s something entirely different. knowing that the amount of attention needed to satisfy me will tire anyone. the amount of time i can sit and just talk, would exhaust anyone.
i just guess i never realized how much my last relationship fucked with my head, until now. i really never realized how scared i am. how terrified i am of feeling that same hurt, all over again.
i am such a committed friend and an even more committed girlfriend. it’s just in my nature to be, it’s in my blood. but giving my all to someone, it really does scare me. but i can’t let my fears hold me back, because what would that do for me? absolutely nothing. in the end, i am the only person who can make myself happy. and i know, even if i fall and break into a million pieces, i can pick myself up again. i have too, because if i don’t, who else will?
so in the end, i have decided, i will not, and mark my words, i will not be pushing anyone away anymore. i can’t.